What does it take for you to realize what is going on in your head? For me it took one phrase from Brett. "These are good tears." I have been so extremely emotional lately and I just couldn't place my finger on why. Well, I finally got it. It's Kelly's situation. I know it sounds silly but I mourn for her. I feel her loss. I feel her pain. I want to hug her and tell her that it was just a dream. But I can't. Because it is real. All too real. Amazingly real.

The hurt, the pain, the loss, the emotional roller coaster, the unsurity, the fear, the unknown, the uncontrolable, the inconsolable. I know all of this!

It's not that I have any feelings for Rick. I haven't for a long time. But it just dredges up such ugly memories for me. And I am just SO unbelievably sad for Kelly that she has to go through this. I love her so much and I would take all of the pain over again if I could take it from her.

Even more so, I feel for those kids. No, those babies. See, in my eyes, Savannah is still a little girl. She is not getting ready to turn 12. Absolutely not! All of her kids are little babies. So, all of those little babies have to go through this too. I wish to the high heavens that they were still little babies. I know it would be much easier if they were. It is so easy to tell a baby or toddler "because". You can't tell a 12 year old and a 7 year old "because". They have to hear the truth. Or at least a portion of it. I hate that. A hate that comes from deep within.

So, now I know where all of this emotion is coming from. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with all of this within myself. I too, have been going to that house for YEARS. I don't know how to feel. I am not sure how to deal. All I know is that MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS!

MY GOD CAN HANDLE THIS. my God can handle this. my God can handle this. my God can handle this.