Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Count your MANY blessings! Name them one by one!
...help and comfort give you to your journeys end!
Praise Jesus that I can count my blessings: Blessings for October 12, 2008
My relationship with GOD.
My beautiful children, all of them.
Fabulous services at church.
Finished that house.
Monitary gift from an unexpected source. (not with thy sword nor with thy bow. Joshua 24:12)
Love.
GREAT Sunday School teacher who loves the Lord.
Laughter. (always makes a day brighter)
Dinner with old friends, who lifted me up.
Quiet time with God...heading there now.
Funny. As I am looking at my list, I am realizing that only 1 of my blessings today were actually tangible. Hmmm. Food for thought.
Proverbs 8:19 My fruit is better than gold, yea than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver.
Praise Jesus that I can count my blessings: Blessings for October 12, 2008
My relationship with GOD.
My beautiful children, all of them.
Fabulous services at church.
Finished that house.
Monitary gift from an unexpected source. (not with thy sword nor with thy bow. Joshua 24:12)
Love.
GREAT Sunday School teacher who loves the Lord.
Laughter. (always makes a day brighter)
Dinner with old friends, who lifted me up.
Quiet time with God...heading there now.
Funny. As I am looking at my list, I am realizing that only 1 of my blessings today were actually tangible. Hmmm. Food for thought.
Proverbs 8:19 My fruit is better than gold, yea than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Ok, so trust will always be an issue.
So I am just bein nosey and flipping through random blogs, some interesting others not so much. I pause and read through one here or there but I have come across a lot of blogs that are family related. You know, lots of pictures of the family. Mom and dad. Husband and wife. Parents and kids.
To be quite honest with you, one of the first things I think when I see a picture of a husband and wife is "Is he faithfull?" I know that sounds really bad but it is the truth. I literally stare at the picture and wonder how she can trust him. COMPLETE STRANGERS!!! There is something wrong with me.
Going through all that I have gone through over the past um, well, all of my life with men has really left a lasting impression with me. Sad to say, I see it doing the same with my girls, but that is a blog for another day.
I don't want to feel this way about men. Honestly I don't. I just don't know that I could ever trust a man. I mean REALLY trust him. I am constantly putting myself in another womans shoes, which is not a bad idea ladies! For instance, I am cleaning a house right now and I have a friend that stops in from time to time. Some days he stays a while, others he doesn't. Well, I had to stop and think "how would I feel if my husband were doing this?" I spoke to his wife about the situation and she assured me that she trusted both of us and was ok with it. I was glad to hear that.
Another for instance, there is this guy at walmart , who is overly nice to me if you catch the drift. He always smiles and asks me if I need some help, I know its his job but there is doing his job nice and I think your hot nice. This is the I think your hot nice. Well, one day I see him in walmart fairly close to a lady, walking and talking. It just seemed like they were a couple. SO, what do I do? Put myself in her shoes. What if he is with her and being overly nice to me? Can't go down that path! So now I try to dodge him when I see him. I don't know him from Adam and he may be just as single and the next person but I cant shake the what ifs.
I was literally told by another man that if I didn't "play the game" (of taking another womans man) that I would end up alone. I just can't do that. I guess if that means I will be alone, then I will be alone. God will be my husband.
All in all, I don't trust men. At all. Now who's fault is it? I honestly can't blame any one person. But what I can say is that the men in my life have certainly not helped me trust anymore. They have pushed me to not trust even harder by their actions.
What happened to the REAL men? Are there any out there? I really have my doubts...sorry to any of you REAL men who may be out there and reading this. I just don't trust men and don't know if I ever can.
To be quite honest with you, one of the first things I think when I see a picture of a husband and wife is "Is he faithfull?" I know that sounds really bad but it is the truth. I literally stare at the picture and wonder how she can trust him. COMPLETE STRANGERS!!! There is something wrong with me.
Going through all that I have gone through over the past um, well, all of my life with men has really left a lasting impression with me. Sad to say, I see it doing the same with my girls, but that is a blog for another day.
I don't want to feel this way about men. Honestly I don't. I just don't know that I could ever trust a man. I mean REALLY trust him. I am constantly putting myself in another womans shoes, which is not a bad idea ladies! For instance, I am cleaning a house right now and I have a friend that stops in from time to time. Some days he stays a while, others he doesn't. Well, I had to stop and think "how would I feel if my husband were doing this?" I spoke to his wife about the situation and she assured me that she trusted both of us and was ok with it. I was glad to hear that.
Another for instance, there is this guy at walmart , who is overly nice to me if you catch the drift. He always smiles and asks me if I need some help, I know its his job but there is doing his job nice and I think your hot nice. This is the I think your hot nice. Well, one day I see him in walmart fairly close to a lady, walking and talking. It just seemed like they were a couple. SO, what do I do? Put myself in her shoes. What if he is with her and being overly nice to me? Can't go down that path! So now I try to dodge him when I see him. I don't know him from Adam and he may be just as single and the next person but I cant shake the what ifs.
I was literally told by another man that if I didn't "play the game" (of taking another womans man) that I would end up alone. I just can't do that. I guess if that means I will be alone, then I will be alone. God will be my husband.
All in all, I don't trust men. At all. Now who's fault is it? I honestly can't blame any one person. But what I can say is that the men in my life have certainly not helped me trust anymore. They have pushed me to not trust even harder by their actions.
What happened to the REAL men? Are there any out there? I really have my doubts...sorry to any of you REAL men who may be out there and reading this. I just don't trust men and don't know if I ever can.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Convo of the day...
This conversation took place after we got home from church today. It is between myself and Micah (whose friend has a broken arm)
M: Mom. I broke my eye.
L: You broke your eye?
M: Yes, I broke my eye.
L: You did? Well How did you do that?
M: Well, while I was takin a nap yesterday. I just broke my eye.
L: You broke your eye while you were taking a nap yesterday?
M: Um, yes.
L: Well, does it hurt?
M: Um, no.
L: Well are you ok?
M: Um, YES!
M: Mom. I broke my eye.
L: You broke your eye?
M: Yes, I broke my eye.
L: You did? Well How did you do that?
M: Well, while I was takin a nap yesterday. I just broke my eye.
L: You broke your eye while you were taking a nap yesterday?
M: Um, yes.
L: Well, does it hurt?
M: Um, no.
L: Well are you ok?
M: Um, YES!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A Letter to My Husband...
My dearest husband,
For the past 6 years of my life, I have loved you dearly. I have put my heart and soul into our marriage and relationship. I never claimed to be the perfect wife, as a matter of fact I am well aware that I am not. I know how hard I am to get along with and I know how hard it is to live with me. I may not have been perfect but I put forth one hell of an effort.
You have chosen to leave this house. You have chosen to leave your wife. You have chosen to leave your children. You have chosen to leave this family. That was a choice that YOU made. One day, I don't know when, but one day you will see what a mistake that was. I could preach till I was blue in the face but what good would it do?
You have lied to me for the past 6 years. Every aspect of our life together is in fact a lie. Every story you ever told was a lie. Every thing that made me laugh was a lie. Every heartbreaking story you ever told to gain my sympathy was a lie. You are a liar.
You have taken everything away from me that you could. (Or that I would let you) You stole my happiness. You stole my security. You stole my trust in men (what little there was). You stole my childrens happiness. You kept money from us. You tried to take my faith. You took my friends away from me. You tried to take my family away from me. You are a thief.
I am so sad to say that I don't know the real you. I wanted so badly to know the real you that I overlooked many things that should NEVER be overlooked. Part of me wants to be sad at the thought that another woman will know the real you. But then I remember you can't be real with anyone. ANYONE. And that includes yourself. You have put on a show from day one. Your show is worse now than what it ever has been. You are a fake.
You left more than just a wife. You left 4 children. 2 by blood but 2 by heart. These girls loved you. You made it a point for them to love you, but you didn't love them back. These boys will never remember you living here. And I am so glad of that. I am so happy at the thought that they will never remember the screaming, the fights, the cussing, the lying. That part makes me feel good. But these girls will remember. Everything. You may think that it doesn't matter because you are not their blood father, but you are wrong. You are just as responsible for them as their blood father. No, you are more responsible than him. You made a commitment to me, to the girls and to God that you would be the father to them that HE never was. YOU made that commitment and then YOU broke it. You chose to leave 4 children. You abandoned them.
You are a fake, abandoning, thieving liar. You are not good enough for me. Never have been, never will be.
Love your ever supporting wife.
For the past 6 years of my life, I have loved you dearly. I have put my heart and soul into our marriage and relationship. I never claimed to be the perfect wife, as a matter of fact I am well aware that I am not. I know how hard I am to get along with and I know how hard it is to live with me. I may not have been perfect but I put forth one hell of an effort.
You have chosen to leave this house. You have chosen to leave your wife. You have chosen to leave your children. You have chosen to leave this family. That was a choice that YOU made. One day, I don't know when, but one day you will see what a mistake that was. I could preach till I was blue in the face but what good would it do?
You have lied to me for the past 6 years. Every aspect of our life together is in fact a lie. Every story you ever told was a lie. Every thing that made me laugh was a lie. Every heartbreaking story you ever told to gain my sympathy was a lie. You are a liar.
You have taken everything away from me that you could. (Or that I would let you) You stole my happiness. You stole my security. You stole my trust in men (what little there was). You stole my childrens happiness. You kept money from us. You tried to take my faith. You took my friends away from me. You tried to take my family away from me. You are a thief.
I am so sad to say that I don't know the real you. I wanted so badly to know the real you that I overlooked many things that should NEVER be overlooked. Part of me wants to be sad at the thought that another woman will know the real you. But then I remember you can't be real with anyone. ANYONE. And that includes yourself. You have put on a show from day one. Your show is worse now than what it ever has been. You are a fake.
You left more than just a wife. You left 4 children. 2 by blood but 2 by heart. These girls loved you. You made it a point for them to love you, but you didn't love them back. These boys will never remember you living here. And I am so glad of that. I am so happy at the thought that they will never remember the screaming, the fights, the cussing, the lying. That part makes me feel good. But these girls will remember. Everything. You may think that it doesn't matter because you are not their blood father, but you are wrong. You are just as responsible for them as their blood father. No, you are more responsible than him. You made a commitment to me, to the girls and to God that you would be the father to them that HE never was. YOU made that commitment and then YOU broke it. You chose to leave 4 children. You abandoned them.
You are a fake, abandoning, thieving liar. You are not good enough for me. Never have been, never will be.
Love your ever supporting wife.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Micah's rough night
Let me begin by saying that Micah did not have a nap today (or yesterday for that matter). He is extremely cranky!!!
So we go to the game to watch Grace's dance team performance. As we sit in the hot sun, I shoo a bee away several times. I'm thinking that little bee is gonna sting that little Tucker. So finally the bee disapears.
Two minutes later Micah is holding his head and screaming. "Dat Skita bite me!!!" I'm thinking "Great! That stupid bee stung him." Sure enough. That little bee stung him right on the forehead. After much screaming we got him settled down.
Toward the end of the game, I had had enough of Micah's crankiness so I said "It's time to go". So he tears off across the parking lot. I'm thinking "He's gonna..." And then he falls. Slid right onto his face on parking lot. 
Poor baby!!!
Poor baby!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Men are gross!!!
That is such a broad statement that I think I need to narrow the margin a little. Men have the grossest hygiene habits. I was offered some money to help someone I know prepare a house for auction. Actually I was asked to do the bathroom portion of the house. I'm thinking "um, no, not really." But he was persistant and asked me a second time this time offering me the amount of money that I would make off of it. I accepted...without ever looking at the bathroom (Dumb move!)
As it turns out, the house is RIGHT next door to me. Now I have watched the two OLD men come and go in that house for over 3 years. Then after they moved I watched the grandson come and go for about 6 months.
Let me begin by saying they were not people that I would want to go have dinner with anyway. The one time that I found it necessary to knock on their door the odor of OLD MEN just about melted the mascara right off my eyelashes. And that was standing on the porch. I never even stepped in the door.
Now after they left and the grandson moved in I knocked on the door another time and when he answered the door, the most ferociously foul defication smell made me wanna run away before I could tell him what I needed. The smell followed me home. I sat on the couch thinking "Man, that house smells so bad that the scent is all over me and I was just standing on the porch." Well, come to find out, Tucker was poopie. So how bad the house actually smelled with the younger guy, I'm not really sure. ANYWAY...back to the actual topic.
I went over today to start cleaning and wanted to cry as soon as I saw what I had gotten myself into. You know how bathtubs look like someone poured rusty water into them? Well that is what this tub looked like, only the soapscum was so thick I believe there may have been bugs imbeded in it. The toilet! OMG! These males must have laid on the floor and aimed their butts up at the underside of the toilet and then stood on the side and urinated on the floor surrounding the toilet. The floor? Covered in dead bugs, hair, filth, dirt, grime, cigarette butts, you name it. Under the sink (which was just as nasty) sat a large bucket half filled with dirty leaky sink water that had been used as an ashtray among other things. I stood there gazing at the filth and turned around and saw what is supposed to pass as a mirror. I looked at myself and thought. What are you doing!?! What are you doing??? What is that on your neck??? Dirt? No. Dirt doesn't move. A FLEA!!! I had a flea on my neck!!!!!! Bloodsucking little nasty thing!!! It's a good thing that it was just a flea. I would probably have made a new bathroom door if it had been anything else.
I did kill a wasp in there though. I hit it with the handle of a screwdriver and when I did, a bunch of wood fell off the window (which was filled with a mish-mosh of dead bugs as well). I just pulled up my big girl panties and dove in head first. Well, gloved hands first anyway.
I believe that I used about ten pair of rubber gloves cleaning that nasty place before I could even think of painting it. Oh! And the walls and ceiling that were to be painted? COVERED in mold and nicotene. Didn't even bother trying to wipe the walls down. Just painted two layers of KILZ on it. I'm very sad to say that I am not done yet. After at least 5 hours in that tiny bathroom, I am NOT done. Have to go back tomorrow and finish it.
Oh the sacrifices we mothers (and a few good fathers, none come to mind) make for our babies.
BUT...there's always a but. As much as I complain, I am SO grateful to the Lord for giving me the opportunity to make a little money for my family today.
As it turns out, the house is RIGHT next door to me. Now I have watched the two OLD men come and go in that house for over 3 years. Then after they moved I watched the grandson come and go for about 6 months.
Let me begin by saying they were not people that I would want to go have dinner with anyway. The one time that I found it necessary to knock on their door the odor of OLD MEN just about melted the mascara right off my eyelashes. And that was standing on the porch. I never even stepped in the door.
Now after they left and the grandson moved in I knocked on the door another time and when he answered the door, the most ferociously foul defication smell made me wanna run away before I could tell him what I needed. The smell followed me home. I sat on the couch thinking "Man, that house smells so bad that the scent is all over me and I was just standing on the porch." Well, come to find out, Tucker was poopie. So how bad the house actually smelled with the younger guy, I'm not really sure. ANYWAY...back to the actual topic.
I went over today to start cleaning and wanted to cry as soon as I saw what I had gotten myself into. You know how bathtubs look like someone poured rusty water into them? Well that is what this tub looked like, only the soapscum was so thick I believe there may have been bugs imbeded in it. The toilet! OMG! These males must have laid on the floor and aimed their butts up at the underside of the toilet and then stood on the side and urinated on the floor surrounding the toilet. The floor? Covered in dead bugs, hair, filth, dirt, grime, cigarette butts, you name it. Under the sink (which was just as nasty) sat a large bucket half filled with dirty leaky sink water that had been used as an ashtray among other things. I stood there gazing at the filth and turned around and saw what is supposed to pass as a mirror. I looked at myself and thought. What are you doing!?! What are you doing??? What is that on your neck??? Dirt? No. Dirt doesn't move. A FLEA!!! I had a flea on my neck!!!!!! Bloodsucking little nasty thing!!! It's a good thing that it was just a flea. I would probably have made a new bathroom door if it had been anything else.
I did kill a wasp in there though. I hit it with the handle of a screwdriver and when I did, a bunch of wood fell off the window (which was filled with a mish-mosh of dead bugs as well). I just pulled up my big girl panties and dove in head first. Well, gloved hands first anyway.
I believe that I used about ten pair of rubber gloves cleaning that nasty place before I could even think of painting it. Oh! And the walls and ceiling that were to be painted? COVERED in mold and nicotene. Didn't even bother trying to wipe the walls down. Just painted two layers of KILZ on it. I'm very sad to say that I am not done yet. After at least 5 hours in that tiny bathroom, I am NOT done. Have to go back tomorrow and finish it.
Oh the sacrifices we mothers (and a few good fathers, none come to mind) make for our babies.
BUT...there's always a but. As much as I complain, I am SO grateful to the Lord for giving me the opportunity to make a little money for my family today.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Happy Birthday to Devin
Tuesday is Devin's birthday. He will be 7. It's hard to believe that he was only 10 months old when I first met him. I miss him.
His mom was nice enough to let him come over today for about an hour and a half. I have missed him more than I knew. When I hugged him (I cried) he hugged me back tight...and didn't let go. I know that he misses us too.
All of the kids were so excited to see him. I think Micah was the most. He has been talking about him a lot lately.
Everything going on in this house is NOT the kids fault and it's wrong for them to have to suffer. That part makes me VERY VERY sad. The rest of it...not so much! Anyway I digress.
During this 1 1/2 hour visit, the kids managed to exchange hellos, wrestle, play in their room, eat popcorn, watch tv, play outside and eat a fudgesicle. Just as it was time for Devin's mom to come and pick him up I remembered to get the camera. So I got a few shots of the kids together.
Who knows how long it will be before Devin can be back at my house again so I enjoyed every second of his being here. I am grateful to God and Jennie for allowing us the time to have with Devin today.
Friday, September 19, 2008
OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE...
WHEN FIRST WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE!!! This goes out to all you that LIE. Warning!!! You will get caught. No I didn't say might or maybe. I said will. Maybe not by the person you are lying to either. But be warned that you WILL get caught.
People are watching you. Even when you think that they are not. Eyes are watching you, everywhere you go. When you think you are hiding; someone, somewhere sees you.
Oh and it WILL get back to the person that you are lying to. Just in case you thought that it wouldn't.
Oh and it may actually work for you...for a while. For EVERYTHING there is a season. You are sowing your lies now but you will reap the consequences. Much sooner than you think.
Those little lies will become bigger ones. Then you have to lie to cover those up. Then you have to remember the original lie to make sure the stories mesh. Oh my! So much to remember. How do you do it?
I know someone who is a REAL good liar! I would go so far as to say EXCELLENT. The best I have ever seen. Been lying to me for many years now. And guess what??? He is tripping up. Forgetting somethings here and there. You know what else??? He's getting caught.
You might ask does it make me mad? Uh yeah. Down right pisses me off. But it's all good now. It blows air on that little spark. You know that tiny gust of air that it takes to get a HUGE flame? Blow away baby! Blow away! Because that HUGE flame is the one that is gonna burn you up in the end.
Even that being said, I am at a good place with myself and with God. I have been praying for truth and truth is what I am getting. No matter how hard you try, you can't get away with a LIE when God is showing you the TRUTH. You can't beat God's truth.
I PRAISE YOUR NAME LORD FOR THE TRUTHS THAT YOU SHOW ME!!!
So, if you are thinking about lying...stop and think. Is it worth the price I WILL pay? If you are already lying...stop and think. Is it worth losing everything?
Psalm 19:5 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.
Psalm 19:9 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.
Just some food for thought.
People are watching you. Even when you think that they are not. Eyes are watching you, everywhere you go. When you think you are hiding; someone, somewhere sees you.
Oh and it WILL get back to the person that you are lying to. Just in case you thought that it wouldn't.
Oh and it may actually work for you...for a while. For EVERYTHING there is a season. You are sowing your lies now but you will reap the consequences. Much sooner than you think.
Those little lies will become bigger ones. Then you have to lie to cover those up. Then you have to remember the original lie to make sure the stories mesh. Oh my! So much to remember. How do you do it?
I know someone who is a REAL good liar! I would go so far as to say EXCELLENT. The best I have ever seen. Been lying to me for many years now. And guess what??? He is tripping up. Forgetting somethings here and there. You know what else??? He's getting caught.
You might ask does it make me mad? Uh yeah. Down right pisses me off. But it's all good now. It blows air on that little spark. You know that tiny gust of air that it takes to get a HUGE flame? Blow away baby! Blow away! Because that HUGE flame is the one that is gonna burn you up in the end.
Even that being said, I am at a good place with myself and with God. I have been praying for truth and truth is what I am getting. No matter how hard you try, you can't get away with a LIE when God is showing you the TRUTH. You can't beat God's truth.
I PRAISE YOUR NAME LORD FOR THE TRUTHS THAT YOU SHOW ME!!!
So, if you are thinking about lying...stop and think. Is it worth the price I WILL pay? If you are already lying...stop and think. Is it worth losing everything?
Psalm 19:5 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.
Psalm 19:9 A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.
Just some food for thought.
Monday, September 15, 2008
More than sisters...
Sometimes I catch myself doing things that my sisters do. It's a weird feeling but I like it. Today I was eating chips and Micah was talking to me and I put a chip in my mouth and smiled. As soon as I smiled I knew that particular smile was something Kimberly does. Had to giggle to myself because Brett has said that every now and then I will do something or look a certain way that reminds him of Kimberly. I reminded myself of her today.
I am so glad that I have two sisters. Funny thing they are very much alike and yet completely different at the same time. I envy some of their personality traits...sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy with who I am just sometimes wish I were a little more like them.
Kimberly is gorgeous, Godly, mature, loving, and extremely giving.
Kelly is beautiful, hilarious, kind, outgoing, friendly and very strong.
They are both two of my very best friends. Even though we don't get to be together as much as I would like we still are very close and I love them both in very different but specific ways.
A woman couldn't ask for two better aunts for her kids. A sister couldn't have asked for two better sisters.
I love you Kelly and Kimberly!
I am so glad that I have two sisters. Funny thing they are very much alike and yet completely different at the same time. I envy some of their personality traits...sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy with who I am just sometimes wish I were a little more like them.
Kimberly is gorgeous, Godly, mature, loving, and extremely giving.
Kelly is beautiful, hilarious, kind, outgoing, friendly and very strong.
They are both two of my very best friends. Even though we don't get to be together as much as I would like we still are very close and I love them both in very different but specific ways.
A woman couldn't ask for two better aunts for her kids. A sister couldn't have asked for two better sisters.
I love you Kelly and Kimberly!
Friday, September 12, 2008
A New Edition (actually two)
Please meet Jekyll.
She has a sister who is not pictured here but will be soon. Her name is Baby Girl (right now anyway). Jekyll is everyone's kitty and Baby Girl is Ryane's kitty. She was her birthday present. They just came to live with us today. They are 6 weeks old and adorable. Hey I don't care if you don't like cats! I love them and they are making us happy right now. So we will be poor but will have cats so there!
And if for some strange reason you don't get why her name is Jekyll then just ask and I will slowly explain it to you.
Gracie's Dance Team Performance
So at Tuesday nights elem. football game, Grace had her first performance for the dance team. Since Tuesday night, all I have heard from her is "Have you put my pictures on your blog yet? Yes Grace (not Gracie) Your pics are now posted on my blog!!! One of the funniest things in the world to watch is a group of elementary girls trying to line dance. They looked so cute out there. They tried with all their little hearts but for some reason they could not all get in sync with each other. They definitely entertained the crowd. Grace had lots of fun. Afterward she said "This is my first practice with the flag. Everyone else got to practice dancing with the flag but me."
Grace loves her Tucker and he loves her too (most of the time) He saw her standing in line waiting to dance and he ran over to her. So she picked him up and put her hat on him. He was eating it up.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
What happens when you turn your back on Micah???
THIS is the kind of stuff that happens when you turn your back on Micah...even if just for a moment!
WHITE OUT EVERYWHERE!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Do You Ever Just Wonder Why?
Ok. So we all know that God runs the world from heaven and that he cares about even a single sparrow that hits the ground. So I have spent most of my day wondering what possible lesson that God had for my life when a hummingbird flew into my head today. Seriously! WHAT life lesson was that? It didn't kill me and it certainly didn't make me stronger. I literally on the spot started wondering why? Why did that little bitty buzzing hummingbird fly straight into my head? Lessons? Ideas? Anyone?? Anyone?
Monday, September 08, 2008
The Man That Never Existed
Six years ago THIS man walked into my life. Sweet, kind, caring, and loved my kids. Gentle and loving, he accepted me exactly who I was. Opened doors for me, wrote love poems, left sweet cards, brought me flowers. What more could a woman ask for?
He got down on one knee with Devin, Ryane and Grace all standing around watching and asked me to marry him. I did. We moved into a modest three bedroom house and began our life together, ready for happily ever after.
Since I have known him, everyone has tripped over themselves to do for him and to be his friend and they tell me what a good person he is. He makes it hard not to like him. He is funny, charismatic, outgoing. Such a likeable person. I truly loved THIS man.
One day I woke up to find THAT man was gone. The one that had replaced him was vile, mean and ugly inside. Gone were the cards, flowers and poems. Only to be replaced by put downs, curse words and idle threats of departure.
Where once we lay in bed wrapped in each other's arms, I lay in bed wrapped in blankets wondering what time he would be home that night.
Where once we sat at the dinner table as a family and talked about our day, I found myself sitting at the dinner table staring at his empty chair, answering the inevitable question "Where is daddy?"
Where once we sat on the couch till 3 am just talking about our lives, I found myself sitting on the couch at 3 am wondering where he was.
Where once we played as a family, I found myself making up excuses why daddy couldn't play with us that day.
This is the man that I woke up to that dreadful day. I awoke to the fact that the other man NEVER really existed. You hear a million times in your life that you never really know a person until you live with them. That phrase has never meant more to me than it does right now.
When I weep, I weep for what could have been. I weep for my children, I weep for love. I weep for the man that I fell in love with. I do not weep for this man.
What a sad day when you realize that the person you love with all of your heart is not a person at all. He is just a facade to cover up the real person lurking deep within.
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